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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000


Jinjo

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3. Trapped:

Spoiler

S1E3 (3)- Trapped: Previously on Bikini Top... Jake and Morgan's relationship hits a rough patch when Jake really wants to have 'jex' with Morgan, but the Celibacy Club prez ain't too fond of the idea. Meanwhile, after a boring day at Bikini Top High, Bryan and his new friends head to the beach, where Bryan meets an old friend, Temperance. They catch up. Then, by the shore, Jake and Morgan have a talk about their relationship, which leads to their heartbreaking break-up.

[Jjs: Thanks for the reminder, chief.]

Today is a new day. Today is a new day. Today is a new day.

[Jjs: I like repeating myself. I like repeating myself. I like repeating myself.]

Morgan sighed. She could keep telling that to herself. Yeah Dr. Obvious, we know it's a new day.

[Jjs: Hey, the story is self-aware! If only it could be more clever.]

That doesn't mean your heart is any less broken than it has been all week. Ever since Morgan broke up with Jake, all she's felt is misery, misery, and more misery. It was annoying... just because she wouldn't give it up to him.... She was beginning to wonder if she should just walk up to her ex-boyfriend and just take her clothes off. Little did she know, she was kind of close to what was going to happen soon.

(Theme plays)

[Jjs: What's the theme?]

Saturday morning. Even a pessimist like Bryan had to love Saturday morning.

[Jjs: Who doesn't? He must be getting out of bed to watch Saturday morning cartoons.]

And, when he woke up, there was a surprise. Sitting on the night stand next to him was a brand new laptop. There was a note on top.

"Bryan,

Had to go into work early. Sorry. But, one of my friends, Hank, from Hank's Electronics.

[Hank: I sell electronics and electronics accessories, I tell you what.]

Well, he heard you moved into town, and he was having this sort of clearance sale on these spiffy little laptops. I was gonna pay for it, but he insisted that he give it to me free. I objected at first... but hey, free laptop. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do at some points. And shuttin' up when someone offers you a brand spankin' new laptop for free, that's one of those points. Anyways, enjoy the new laptop.

From,

Dad

P.S.: You should probably check to see if your mother e-mailed you. It's been a week and a half, and you haven't talked to her yet. It's now or never."

[Jjs: "Here's a new thing thing for you, and instead of using it for what you would rather be doing, be sure to use it to look at your mother's annoying emails! Everyone loves having chores!"]

He didn't know how Hank knew him.... Bryan didn't know him.

[Jjs: Hank Hill knows all.]

But it boiled down to that 'King of Bikini Top' thing again.

[Jjs: Awesome, so my dad just needs to be a cop and get me a laptop and I'll be the king of my town! If only monarchies were that simple.]

Or was Gordan the king, and Bryan was the... prince?

[Jjs: The Prince of Bikini Top Bel Air.]

Oh well, it wasn't that important. What was important was that there was a brand new, still not used laptop sitting on his night stand, practically calling out to him. He turned it on. Then he checked his e-mails. Five new, three from Zoe. He opened the first one.

[Jjs: I'm sure she is just reminding you to brush your teeth and shower.]

"Hi honey, just wanted to check in and see if you were okay. E-mail me when the flight is over, please.

Mom"

Okay. Not so bad. Next.

"Bryan, it's been three days. Are you alright? Is everything okay in school? Meet any new friends? Any girls? I really want to talk to you, so I want you to reply.

Mom"

[Jjs: Really now? I figured you were just emailing him to spam his inbox, not to talk to him.]

A little more serious that time...

"Bryan U. Errin,

[Jjs: What does the U stand for?]

You had best get your ass to a computer and reply to this message, or you will be in deep trouble. Hell, I may take a personal flight to Bikini Top to personally punish you. Neglecting to contact your mother is horrible. I just hope you know that, young man.

From,

Your Mother, Zoe"

[Jjs: ...Jesus Christ, just wait until she gets the belt.]

Bryan sighed. He sent his mother an e-mail:

"Hi Mom!  I've been having a pretty good time in Bikini Top, spending time with Dad and everything. I've made some friends. You don't need to worry about me. And I'm sorry I've been... neglecting contacting you. I've just been busy. Well, I'm going to meet some friends at Smoothie Shack, so I'll talk to you later."

[Jjs: Wow, you responded to that aggressive email rather passively.]

And he wasn't lying. Trey had texted him, telling him that it was critical that he meet him and Jake at the Smoothie Shack by 10:00 AM. It was 9:45, so Bryan had to hurry.

He hopped into his vomit-green boatmobile

[Jjs: Yuck.]

and rode to the Smoothie Shack. While there, he saw Jake with his head laying on the table, and Trey staring at him awkwardly. Bryan sits down at the table. Then, Trey tells him he has an idea.

He whispers it in Bryan's ear: "Nudie bar. No IDs required." Bryan's face lights up somewhat, and Jake lifts his head up, grinning. The three of them immediately hop into Trey's boatmobile, looking forward to a very fun afternoon....

[Jjs: Oh, I imagine...Seriously though, I'm sure this totally won't go wrong. Which it will.]

~~~

Meanwhile, Morgan is exercising at her house. It's all she can do to keep her mind off of Jake. But it's not helping. All she can think of is jex....

[Jjs: Jex it up, baby!]

And she's getting this instinct that something wrong is going on, and that Jake is doing something that he will soon regret. She tells herself it's just more post-break-up blues, but she's wrong.

[Jjs: Probably just the Jex talking.]

~~~

The guys are having fun.

[Jjs: I bet they are.]

But seriously, what straight teen wouldn't be having a jolly good time at a strip club? No straight teen. That's who.

[Jjs: You sure about that?]

Then, Bryan gets a text from his father:

"Trey's dad told me. That kid isn't too bright. He let it slip to his dad. His dad freaked out, told me. Now I'm pissed. Get home. Now."

[Jjs: Oh no, don't let him get the belt too!]

Bryan decided he probably should get out of there, no matter how much fun he was having, seeing a bunch of naked women... but oh well, time to get back to the real world. He grabs Jake, who's laying down in a booth in his boxers.

[Jjs: Yay, more Jex! God, this running gag is going to get old, but might as well milk it for all its worth.]

One of the 'entertainers' asks him where they're going. He tells him they have to leave. She asks if they have any money to pay for their time. Crap.

[Jjs: "Crap" Hey, 70s was self-aware!]

Bryan is broke. He asks Trey. Nadda. He asks Jake. Nothing, obviously. Then, Jake gets an idea. He calls Morgan.

[Jjs: Mr. Krabs, Jake has an idea! But seriously, I bet Jake telling the girl he almost had Jex with that he is at a strip club will go over well. Totally.]

"What?" she asked, sounding annoyed.

"Um..." Jake said. He couldn't think of anything to say. This was the first time they had spoken since their break-up.

"Seriously Jake, what is it?"

"Me, Trey, and Bryan are in a bit of a pinch...."

[Jjs: Just a bit.]

"Specify...."

"Well, we need you to come to that strip club on the outskirts of town and come with eighty bucks to pay our debt."

[Jjs: Words cannot describe how hard I lol'd.]

The call ended.

The two of them asked what she said, to which Jake just said, "We'll see..."

In an hour, Morgan was there. She kind of chuckled, seeing her ex-boyfriend in his boxers. The irony of it all.

[Jjs: Yes, and now you see this douchebag gets around.]

Just a week ago they broke up because she didn't want to see him without his clothes on. But now he was... hot. But she stopped thinking of that, told him to get his clothes back on, paid the 'entertainers,' and drove the boys home.

[Jjs: ...What did she pay the entertainers with?]

She drove Trey home first, he thanked her with at least a hundred words, then got out of the boatmobile. Next she dropped off Bryan. He said thanks, and got out. Then it was just her and Jake, who smirked when he noticed it was just the two of them.

Finally, she couldn't resist. She stopped the car, pulled over, and grabbed her ex-boyfriend's face. She pulled his face close to her face until they were just centimeters apart, and their lips touched in a spur of the moment.

[Jjs: So he's not her ex anymore. Make up your damn mind!]

And in that magical moment, she didn't worry about jex, sex, anything. She just worried about kissing Jake.

[Jjs: But what about the jex? :( ]

And Jake didn't worry about getting off Morgan's shirt. He was just happy to have Morgan's lips locked with his again. The kiss lasted for what seemed like all night. Then, when it was over, both of them were pretty excited, and yet confused. Were they a couple now or weren't they?

[Jjs: I dunno, but these romance plots are getting pretty fucking annoying, and we're only 3 episodes in! I don't know how you did it, but only 3 episodes in, and these romantic plots are already a drag to read. Impressive.]

 

4. Crushed:
 

Spoiler

S1E4 (4)- Crushed: Previously on Bikini Top... Morgan and Jake are both trying to get over each other. How's that working out for them, you ask? Not too well.... Trey feels pity for his depressed friend, and decides it's time to cheer him up, by taking him to a strip club that doesn't check IDs. They take Bryan, who's just read some e-mails from his angry mother, along. Then, Bryan gets a text from Gordan, telling him that he knows where he is, and that he needs to get home now. So, Bryan tries, but they need to pay the strippers. Too bad none of them have any cash. So, Jake calls his now-ex-girlfriend Morgan to bail them out of strip club prison. She pays the debt and drives the three of them home, and the night ends with a kiss between Jake and Morgan, leaving uncertainty as to if they're back together or not.

[Jjs: Thanks again for the reminder, chief.]

Anna woke up. Sunday morning. Time to get ready for church. Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. How... uplifting.

[Jjs: Who the hell names a church that? Is this some emo church?]

But, she was kind of excited. After school she was studying with Bryan and... Trey. Oh god, was Trey hot.

[Jjs: Dammit, not another romance plot! Focus on developing these characters before having them have Jex with everyone.]

Er... no he wasn't.

[Jjs: Oh, okay. Bipolar, I see.]

Suddenly, her mother was calling her, telling her to hurry up. So she slipped on some clothes and got in the car with her mother, on the way to church. It was an okay service. Then, as they were driving home from church, they saw a man walking along the sidewalk... until a giant boulder randomly crushed him.

[Jjs: ...What the fuck? Did Wile E. Coyote do this?]

(Theme plays)

[Jjs: What's the theme? 4 episodes in, and we still don't know. This isn't good...]

The man is dead.

[Jjs: No way, I thought a man being crushed by a boulder would be alive.]

Anna is confused.

[Jjs: He's dead. That's all you need to know.]

That boulder wasn't there before.

[Jjs: It's not just a boulder...it's a rock! A ROCK! *cries*]

Someone... sent it towards him. But who? And... why? Why did someone thrust a giant boulder at an innocent man walking down the sidewalk? It made absolutely no sense. All this uncertainty... all this drama... it was going to drive Anna crazy. And she was already pretty crazy.

[Jjs: Don't worry, the drama in this will drive me crazy too. Don't give yourself a stroke sweetheart, I doubt you'll get answers to 90% of your questions.]

Bryan is waiting for Trey and Anna to come over. He's going to help out the two of them in Trig.

[Jjs: I'm still not sure how Trig works underwater, but this spin-off is unsure if it wants to be underwater or not, so whatever.]

He's still hazy over last night though. Well, not really. He's just hazy about why in the world his father isn't punishing him. But oh well, he's not complaining. He went to a strip club, for free, and isn't getting punished. So yeah, he's not going to whine and cry to his dad, begging to be punished for a night of fun with the guys.

[Jjs: Wow, what a great cop and father.]

Jake feels... hungover. Gah. Really hungover.

[Jjs: "Gah" is right.]

He regrets last night a lot. Except the part where he made out with Morgan and they decided to secretly date. That part was nice. Too bad he didn't get to take her freaking shirt off for the umpteenth time. But no, uh... he really liked her. Still didn't love her. But if she asked, he loved her sooooo much!

[Jjs: So you love her? Are you bipolar or what? Or just stupid? I'll go with the last option.]

She didn't need to know that he wasn't sure. He was like, one percent away from loving her. She didn't need to know that. His feelings were his business, not his girlfriend's. God, was this grumpy attitude some sort of result of his massive hangover? He hoped, he didn't feel like being a jerk today.

[Jjs: If having a hangover is why everyone is a jerk in this spin-off, then it looks like they'll be jerks all season long. Hooray.]

DING DOOOOOOOOONG! rang Bryan's doorbell.

[Jjs: *flinches* Whoa, jump scare! That is one loud ass doorbell, Bryan.]

He opened the door to see Trey. He invited him inside. Trey thanked him, and asked him if Anna was there. Bryan told him she wasn't there yet, so Trey decided to call her. She told him that she was on her way. Five minutes later, she arrived at the house, looking stressed. Bryan and Trey asked her what was wrong, and she told them everything. They both said "oh" and then Bryan rushed to his laptop and Googled "Bikini Top accidents"

[Jjs: They have Google underwater still, it seems.]

where he then saw a number of strange accidents occurring in Bikini Top that no one can explain, no matter how hard they tried. Anna put her heads down in her hands, and said, "What the hell is going on?"

[Jjs: Oh Anna, nobody knows.]

Jake's cell phone was ringing. He picked it up and said, "Eh... Hullo?"

"Jake, you sound like crap," Morgan said on the other line. "Are you okay?"

[Jjs: He's fine.]

"Just a little--"

"Hungover?" Anna sighed.

[Jjs: Anna? I thought he was talking to Morgan.]

"Well, yeah."

"Promise me you won't ever drink again."

"Morgan, I'm not promising anything."

"Promise," said Morgan, with her teeth clenched. "Listen... I hate people who drink. My biological parents... they were drunks. And-- they hit me, Jake."

[Jjs: Hooray, a forced dark parent backstory!]

"What?" Jake said, shocked.

"They were really abusive, and mean, sometimes they did drugs.

[Jjs: Sometimes? I know this is supposed to be "serious", but god, this description is hilariously bad.]

It all started with a drinking problem. And I don't want that to happen to you, especially if we ever decide to get married... and have children together. I want a sober boyfriend, and a sober husband."

Jake frowned. "I guess I can give you that."

"Oh my, god. Thank you, Jake."

"No problem..." Jake said.

"So... promise you won't drink. Especially when you're underaged, like you are now."

"I promise I won't drink."

[Jjs: Well, he promised! I'm sure he won't break it or anything. It's not like promises are meant to be broken, haha!]

The conversation then ended.

Bryan, Trey, and Anna still hadn't started studying.

[Jjs: Study at a strip club, since that is what you seem best at.]

They were still freaked out about all these unexplained accidents in Bikini Top. People dying, getting hurt. None of them knew why.

[Jjs: Neither do I...]

Then, the news came on:

"The Bikini Top Bridge has just spontaneously collapsed, with fifty boatmobiles at the least on it, now close to their death."

[Jjs: This is why we need better bridge builders.]

"OH MY, GOD!" Anna shrieked.

[Jjs: Wait, God exists underwater? Did she read this spin-off? Will this spin-off get better? Will any of these characters be likable? The answer to these questions and more will come...never.]


5. Memories and Repercussions:

Spoiler

S1E5 (5)- Memories and Repercussions: Previously on Bikini Top... On the way back from church, Anna receives a shocking surprise as a boulder falls on a man nonchalantly walking down the sidewalk, until a boulder crushes him, killing him. Anna is freaking out, and when she goes over to Bryan's house to study, she and Bryan, along with Trey Google "Bikini Top accidents" and discover the small town has had tons of accidents just like the boulder falling on that man. And, Jake wakes up with a hangover, later receiving a call from Morgan. After some quick chatting, she begs him not to drink ever again, revealing that she was adopted, and that her biological parents were drunks who hit her. Jake promises he won't drink. Then, Bryan, Trey, and Anna see that the Bikini Top Bridge collapsed, leaving hundreds of lives in danger....

[Jjs: Thanks again for the recap, I keep forgetting what happens too.]

Bryan is driving Trey and Anna to the bridge, trying to find out what the hell is going on. They arrive at the bridge, only to see construction vehicles under the bridge, fighting desperately to keep it from falling. They see a car slip off the bridge... dead.

[Jjs: Car? I thought it was a boatmobile.]

Anna rests her head on Trey's shoulder, sobbing. Then, she looks him in the eyes. Letting all of her feelings emerge, she kisses Trey. Trey doesn't kiss back. All he does is pull away.

[Jjs: For fuck's sake, another romance angle?! You still have barely developed the others! Slow down, man!]

"Anna, I'm not looking for a relationship."

[Jjs: Now this is a time to say "Thank God".]

"Uh-- oh.... Why not?" she asks.

"I'm... seeing someone."

[Jjs: *cue oooooh from laugh track*]

(Theme plays)

[Jjs: What's the theme? Oh forget it, I guess 70s himself didn't even know. And this is sadly a minor mystery that never gets answered, out of many in this "spin-off"...]

"Oh... I see," Anna says. She gets out of the car, embarrassed, crying.

[Jjs: Boatmobile, dammit!]

Bryan turns to Trey. "What was up with that? You're not seeing anyone."

"I just-- didn't tell you guys."

"Who is it?" Jake asked.

"It's this girl, Arianna."

[Jjs: Hooray, another poorly developed female character involved in a romance plot!]

"Who?" Jake asked.

[Jjs: I think I answered that above.]

"She's this mega-hot chick, we met at the beach when we went a week ago, remember? You hooked up with that Temperance girl."

[Jjs: Oh right...that girl. And that happened.]

"I did not 'hook up' with Temperance!"

"Well you kissed, and I swear I saw tongue!"

[Jjs: You were watching them? Creep.]

"Don't tell anyone, please!" Bryan pleaded.

"Whatever," Trey said, and he got out of the car.

Temperance was practically in Heaven. Last week, when Bryan kissed her... the world... it melted away. Her father had recently died, so it was hard.

[Jjs: And that "dark parent backstory" will just be in passing.]

But when she kissed Bryan, all of those thoughts of death just vanished from her head. Those memories were what she always wanted to keep. Sure, it was okay living with just her mother. Honestly, she had always preferred her father, just because he always seemed so nice and well-meaning, while her mother was superficial and cared about beauty. Her father was more down to earth. But her mother... she wasn't, to say the least.

[Jjs: Hooray, more fucking parent drama!]

And her older sister had just moved out, going to college at Bikini Bottom University. It's some school for rich people.

[Jjs: Just "some school", alright.]

And Temperance's family wasn't rich. Not until a year ago, when Temperance's mother Brenda started dating this rich man, Tristan. The weird thing... it was only two months after her father, Harrison, had died. And Temperance absolutely hated to judge people by their looks, but Tristan was not good looking. At all.... It was just all so strange, and fishy.

[Jjs: "Fishy" HAHA I GET IT!]

And it made Temperance want to hate Brenda. But she didn't. Not quite. She didn't like her, but she also didn't hate her.

[Jjs: So she didn't like her.]

She was somewhere in between, except closer to hate.

[Jjs: So...she hates her? The hell?]

But that's what she loved about kissing Bryan. Now her mind was no longer shrouded with all of these meaningless thoughts. It was awesome not being able to think about that! Then, she got a call on her cell phone from Bryan.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi," said Bryan. "Listen... about that kiss."

Crap.

[Jjs: Self-aware again, eh?]

"Uh... what about it?"

"It didn't mean anything. I just... wanted to clear that up."

Temperance hung up. She threw her cell phone at the floor, ran to her room, slammed the door, locked it, plopped down on her bed, and cried her eyes out.

[Jjs: Hooray, more fucking love drama! Just have everyone die at this point! 5 episodes in, and we have so much damn romance drama all over the place! God, I have nothing against love dramas, but you need to at least build them up, and not throw a new one in every episode just to have them break up. Right now, this is coming off as Teenage Angst: The Series, and not a good one.]

Bryan wipes away one quick tear, then finds his father in all the mess. "Hey Dad, what's going on?"

"What's going on?" Gordan says.

"I mean-- how's the bridge thing going, Mr. Chief of Police?"

[Jjs: How about calling him "Dad", asswipe.]

Gordan chuckled.

[Jjs: ...That's not funny, you sick fuck.]

"Well, some lives were lost, but we managed to save the bridge.

[Jjs: Only some lives? Yeah, those 50 boatmobiles that fell are only "some".]

All the cars just need to get off of it, and everything will be okay.

[Jjs: Boatmobiles, dammit!]

Good as new in a week."

"And how did it break?"

"I don't know," Gordan said. "Just some freak accident."

[Jjs: Well, that's good enough of an explanation for me.]

A few days later, Bryan was sitting down watching some TV. His favorite show was over, and on came his least favorite show... Total Cartoon Island. "Gah..." he said, and he changed the channel, showing Total Drama Island. "The remake sucks. I like the original better."

[Jjs: Oh, haha, see it's funny because TCI is a rip-off of TDI. Haha, I should be questioning how both are even underwater. Haha, this was totally relevant to the story. And yet, sadly, this unneeded jab is probably still better than any of the romance plots done in this "spin-off" so far.]

 

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This commentary is pretty funny (though Box's line about 70s was a little too harsh IMO) and you're doing an awesome job reviving Elastic's show. But the main event for me thus far has been a good waking up to a smell of the coffee.

 

This was called to be the best SBC spin-off (FANFIC) of all time. THIS was called to be the best spin-off ever written on SBC?! The leader?! #1?! Then this is the most overrated spin-off in the history of spin-offs that have been overrated. My goodnesses.

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Reading these, i'm surprised we never grew the balls to tell 70s his writing fucking sucked. The riffing is great, though. I laughed out loud at "Beckee? BECKEE? FAITH? What kind of IRC does this little bitch rely on? xxEmoLovexx?"

Also, i'd like to sign up for possibly riffing an ep in the future.

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On 6/17/2013 at 6:39 PM, Elastic Dog said:

Reading these, i'm surprised we never grew the balls to tell 70s his writing fucking sucked. The riffing is great, though. I laughed out loud at "Beckee? BECKEE? FAITH? What kind of IRC does this little bitch rely on? xxEmoLovexx?"

Also, i'd like to sign up for possibly riffing an ep in the future.

 

Actually, Dragiiin grew the balls.

 

On 4/25/2010 at 11:05 AM, Drag2013 said:

Naomi the best person ever and Temperance is fuckin bullshit F---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

tHIS SPINOFF SUCKS! NAOMI IS SHIT!

 

And looking back on it, I think there was quite a bit of truth in teenj's joke review. XD

 

 

On 6/25/2011 at 12:53 PM, teenj12 said:

Spongebob's Atlantis - B+

Why do you guys hate it so much? Seriously,its better than other spin-offs who have declined in quality (hai Down Under). It only has a few grammar errors, so? When 70s makes a spelling error, you guys don't get on him. Your all just scared he is gonna ban you if you guys don't like his shit. Bikini Top isn't even spin-off, literature crap, that has lost its spark (just end the shit 70s). Same goes for Down Under. Spin-offs such as this and Adventures of the underground City deserve more popularity.

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Here's the last two new episodes for today. Thank you CDCB and Trophy for guest commentating on them.

 

Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Temperance is still upset that Bryan told her that their kiss at the beach was nothing, and she's realized that her mother is only dating Tristan for his money. Gold digger. Anna, meanwhile, is still embarrassed that she kissed Trey, then, she meets his girlfreind, Arianna, at the Smoothie Shack. Bryan is going to take Trey a missed assignment, until he sees that he and his ex-girlfriend Morgan are making out in Trey's bedroom. Later on the phone, Bryan and Jake argue, and Jake tells Bryan that the reason he's keeping their relationship a secret is because he slept with someone else. Morgan goes to pick up her friend, Naomi, from the airport, and the episode ends with them driving to Naomi's Welcome Back party at Zinka's Party Emporium.

 

[Jjs: Welcome back everyone, to another Riffing Theater! We have another guest commentator, give a warm welcome to CDCB! And yikes, right off the bat the title sounds like a musical episode. I hope for these character's sakes, they can sing!]

[CDCB: I hope for my sake they aren’t One Direction.]

 

"I don't want to go!" Naomi said.

 

[CDCB: And I don’t want to read this spin-off. Deal with it.]

[Jjs: Oh yes, you will go. Who wouldn't go to a party emporium owned by some random guy named Zinka?]


"I have some new friends I want you to meet. And Jake is there!" Morgan said, encouraging her best friend to get out of the boatmobile.

 

[Jjs: So boatmobiles return again. What happened to underwater cars?]

 

They were sitting in the parking lot at Zinka's Party Emporium, where Morgan had the whole building rented out to Morgan and any of her friends, and anyone they invite. So, pretty much all of the teens from Bikini Top High School.

 

[Jjs: Jeez, I hope Zinka can fit that many people in his building.]

[CDCB: I’m pretty sure we’re dealing with a fire hazard, jjs…]

 

All the people Naomi didn't want to see again. Yes, she was popular. And attractive, not to toot her own horn or anything.

 

[CDCB: What is she, Little Boy Blue?]

 

But, she just didn't want to see them. She could be a little shy.

 

[Jjs: If she's popular, why would she have a problem seeing them?]

[CDCB: Simple. Her shyness is so abnormally intense that she’s become popular for it, but as a result of all the teasing and ridicule that came from it, she’s afraid to show her face. Or… maybe I’m looking into this too much.]

 

"Gah..." Naomi sighed. She rested her head in her hands. Morgan had the feeling she was hiding something. But... this was Naomi. It always seemed like she was hiding something.

 

[Jjs: Let me guess...she's hiding another Shitty Romantic Drama Plot, isn't she?]

"Come on," Morgan said with her signature sympathetic grin. "I know it's been a few months, but everyone still loves you. You're gorgeous, and nice. And you've always been and always will be my best friend."

 

"Thanks, Mor," Naomi said, though her head was still resting in her hands.

Morgan brought up her head, took her hand, and dragged her out of the boatmobile. Naomi didn't fight back. She knew that her best friend wasn't going to give up. She knew that she never would, no matter what, even if... she told her.... No! She-- She couldn't think about that. And-- And she couldn't tell anyone. That was... the past. And it was behind her. For good.

 

[Jjs: Oh wonderful, more secrets. Does this involve some hot Jex?]

[CDCB: If it’s a secret string, I’m bailing.]

"Welcome back, Naomi!"

 

[Jjs: Flying Dutchman: WELCOME BACK!]

 

(Theme plays)

God! Anna wanted to go over there and slap Arianna. Trey was there, undressing the tramp with his eyes, while she shoved her tongue down his throat.

 

[Jjs: What kind of Jex position is that? At this point, the creator's trying too hard.]

[CDCB: You got some freaky eyes there, Trey.]

 

Jealousy was so not Anna, but Trey was amazing.

 

[Jjs: Whoa, who is Jealousy? I've never heard of this character before!]

[CDCB: I think he’s the mysterious 8th Dwarf.]

 

So amazing. Except that he kind of had horrible taste in women. Actually, what was so bad about Arianna? Sure, she was dating Anna's silly little crush, but Arianna didn't know that. Anna had no reason to resent Arianna. She had an idea. Maybe, just maybe, she could try to be Arianna's friend.

 

[CDCB: And how do you propose to do that? Involve her in the Curse of the Jex?]

 

~~~

"So, you hung up after you dropped that bomb on me," Bryan told Jake. "You told me you slept with 'this girl.' Who is it?"

 

[Jjs: He probably slept with Bland Love Interest #5, who will be introduced to us shortly I bet.]

"You don't know her," Jake said. "She-- She doesn't go to our school."

 

[Jjs: What other school could she go to? Bikini Top is a small town of 2,000 supposed fish, after all.]


"You do realize you're a terrible liar?" Bryan smirked.

 

[Jjs: He needs to meet the Pretty Little Liars, then.]

[CDCB: Or maybe Pinocchio.]


"Damn it Bryan..." Jake said. "She does go to our school--"

"--I already knew that."

"Hey Bryan, I'm the one telling this story," Jake said indignantly.

 

[CDCB: What story?]

"Fine..." Bryan pouted.

"Her name is Jackie. She's a cheerleader. A sophomore. She was looking to give it up, and I was... intoxicated. Another thing Morgan won't be happy about, since I swore eternal sober-ness to her. Anyways, if me and Morgan go public again, it's only a matter of time before word gets to Jackie, and she'll tell Morgan, and it'll be hell."

 

[Jjs: For fuck's sake, another out of nowhere love plot? At this point, I don't know who is shipped with who anymore.]

"Have you talked to Jackie since you had sex with her?" Bryan asked.

 

[Jjs: I thought it was Jex, grammar error!]

[CDCB: I guess Bryan finally realized how crappy his Jex puns were.]

"Oh, god..." Jake said.

"Answer the question..." Bryan said, looking suspicious.

"Crap," Jake said. "I just realized I haven't."

 

[Jjs: He's a playa.]

"Oh my, god, Jake!" Bryan said, disappointed.

"I know, I know... I'm a giant ass, blah blah.... How could I have sex with a girl and not call her, blah blah.... What a stereotype, blah blah.... Am I trying to act like a player or something?, blah blah.... Do I realize how freaking inconsiderate I am?, blah blah.... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it."

 

[Jjs: Someone's been listening to too much of a certain Ke$ha song.]

[CDCB: Second time in a row it hasn’t been called Jex.]

Bryan couldn't help but laugh. He couldn't tell if Jake was trying to make him laugh, or if he was just angry. He didn't care. That was hilarious.

 

[Jjs: Bryan, you're steaming, like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.]

[CDCB: Jake, stop fooling around and get back to your Neverland Pirates.]

 

~~~

"So," Morgan said as she walked over to Naomi. "How's the party?"

 

[Jjs: But the party doesn't start 'til I walk in, I thought.]

"Actually," Naomi said. "Not so bad, so far. Good job, Morrow."

 

[Jjs: ....Morrow? Either this is a new Jealousy or a cheesy nickname for Morgan.]

[CDCB: I’m not sure it even qualifies as a nickname.]

"Thanks, Duncan," Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: Duncan? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?]

[CDCB: Marty, I’m scared…]

"No prob," Naomi said.

"So, I arranged a special surprise just for you..." Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: *insert a Jex joke here*]

[CDCB: *shakes head disapprovingly*]

Naomi looked slightly intrigued, but more worried. "Um.... What is it?"

"One word: Karaoke."

 

[Jjs: Whoa, something not related to Jex? That surprised me, considering 95% of the show is romance and "Jex" so far.]

[CDCB: Correction – 95% of this show is Bad Romance.]

Naomi swallowed a lump in her throat, but nodded. Everyone always told her she had a great voice, and she really did love singing.

"Go on!" Morgan encouraged her.

"Okay, Mor," Naomi said. Then she smiled, and ran onto the stage.

 

[CDCB: I thought her nickname was “Morrow”.]

Morgan laughed gleefully. Naomi was always so lively and enjoyable when she was on the stage. Even when she was so mysterious like she was now.

 

[Jjs: Hm...why am I getting Glee vibes now?]

All eyes turned to Naomi. For the first time all night, she wasn't uncomfortable. She sang "Hot 'N' Cold" by Katy Perry, and when she was done, everyone clapped for her.

 

[Jjs: Alright, wait a fucking minute. Katy Perry exists underwater now? Well, I guess I should have expected that by now, since this show is mostly a literature so far, despite allegedly being a spin-off.]

[CDCB: She must have used a Teleportation Device of Mystery…]

 

She took a bow. Then, something unexpected happens. Jake hops onto the stage and grabs a microphone. Time for a duet. What song? "Always" by blink-182. 

 

[Jjs: Oh, so now apparently blink-182 dove in with Katy Perry underwater!]

[CDCB: You know what they say. One if by land, two if by sea.]

 

And oh, is Morgan jealous. In her mind, she's calling her best friend a slut.

 

[Jjs: Nice, slut shaming your supposed best friend.]

 

Ridiculous, but totally true. She's all over him while the two of them are singing. Sure, it's all just fun, but Naomi is looking right at Morgan the whole time. It's weird. Meanwhile, Anna is seeing Trey and Arianna kiss. She still wants to be her friend, but after Jake and Naomi's duet is over and the two are off the stage, she's the next one on. She picks the perfect song for her feelings. She sings "So What" by P!nk" and the crowd is roaring.

 

[CDCB: So What indeed. Am I supposed to feel moved by this?]

[Jjs: And P!nk dived in too!]

 

Trey can't help but notice how hot she is, and how talented she is.

 

[Jjs: This Love Triangle is going all over the fucking place, man.]

[CDCB: Even Fairly OddParents had a better Love Triangle than this.]

 

Then, Morgan's jealousy deepens when she sees Jake and Naomi talking and laughing. She was thinking... if her and Jake weren't exclusive, did that mean he could see other girls? He wouldn't do that, would he? She was overwhelmed. It was her turn to take the stage, and sing about her feelings. Why not? Everyone was doing it. She stepped onto the stairs, and sang "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks. 

 

[Jjs: Gee golly, Jordin Sparks dove underwater too? Man, I wish I could dive underwater one day to see these celebrities' songs somehow being played underwater.]

 

The crowd was blown away, but especially Jake. He... he thought he loved that girl. When she walked off the stage, something shocking happened. A very sexy looking Temperance walked up the stage with an unusual ammount of confidence.

 

[Jjs: Seriously, who the fuck does Jake love? First it's Morgan, then whoever Jackie is, then Naomi and now Morgan again? Make up your fucking mind, dude. I have a really bad feeling that this is gonna be a repetitive plot between the two.]

[CDCB: Clearly he loves the subject of our next bland plot twist.]

 

She snatched the microphone from the holder, with a sort of evil grin. She looked straight at Bryan the whole time she sang "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.

 

[Jjs: Alright, I give up.]

[CDCB: …]

 

Bryan was a bit shocked. He wanted to go talk to her, but after her amazing performace, Temperance walked right out the door of Zinka's Party Emporium.

 

[Jjs: And Zinka doesn't want you back, either.]

[CDCB: You are never, ever, ever getting back toge—MAKE IT STOP!]

~~~

Now that she had all those feelings about Trey going out with Arianna out of the way from that song, Anna decided it was time for operation "Befriend the Girlfriend".

 

[Jjs: Haha, I see your sense of rhyme, but I can make also make a chime.]

[CDCB: Corny it is, creative it’s not, I hope that this series is left out to rot.]

 

She walks over to Arianna, and starts talking to her, acting friendly. 

Arianna stares at Anna like she's Satan. "Shut up, b!tch-lips!" she said.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, Anna, shut up, you b!tch!]

"Um... what?" Anna said, taken aback.

"You heard me."

 

[Jjs: Oooh, she's going italics now too! You should be scared, Anna.]

 

"Yeah, I heard you. I just don't quite know what I did."

"You like my boyfriend, whore. And I know what you're doing. 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' Don't think that just because you and Trey are friends, I won't kick your prissy little ass to the curb if you ever make a move on him again."

 

[Jjs: Well, miss Arianna means business. Will these love plots actually get interesting, Mr. CDCB? Let's keep reading to find out, if my sanity can take anymore of this. Anyways, thanks for riffing.]

[CDCB: Anytime, jjs! I hope the action picks up here, otherwise I have no hope for Bikini Top. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my eyeballs.]

 

 

 

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Morgan takes Naomi to the party, and things get... musical. But beforehand, there's a little drama leading up to the karaoke debacle. Bryan gets more info on Jake having sex. Naomi feels guilt about hiding a secret from Morgan. Anna is thinking, and she decides to befriend her, since she has no reason to hate her. Then, for Naomi's welcome back party, the karaoke begins. Karaoke leads to a lot of jealousy, and some feelings revealed. After it all, Anna goes to Arianna and tries to be her friend, chatting it up with her. But Arianna only insults her, telling her to stay away from Trey.

 

[Jjs: Before we start this riff, welcome to the third guest commentator in a row: Trophy Stealer! Give him a warm welcome.]

[Trophy: I'm happy, but I have low expectations.]

 

Morgan feels so unsure lately.

 

[Jjs: Same here, I'm unsure if I'm going to bother with this show anymore.]

 

Just a week ago she was jealous of her best friend in the world. This being in love stuff sucked.

 

[Jjs: Ha, even she admits these love stories suck.]

[Trophy: You can say that again.]

 

God, why did love have to feel like a battlefield? Then she was reminded of what happened after her performance last week.

 

[Jjs: And to prove how sad she is, she's giving us a fucking sappy flashback.]
[Trophy: SPARE US!]


Morgan felt exhilarated. That was... amazing.

 

[Jjs: Did she have some Jex or what?]

[Trophy: *barfs*]

 

All of her feelings out. No one really knew they were her feelings, sure, but still. Then, she saw a woman with totally straight black hair.

 

[Jjs: And here comes Bland Love Interest #6.]

[Trophy: How many are there? Over 9,000?]

 

Not a hair was out of place. It was completely tidy. The woman had grassy-green eyes. She told Morgan her performance was amazing, and offered her an... album?

 

[Jjs: Let me guess, is this woman going to be Lady Gaga? Because apparently people like Katy Perry can exist underwater as shown in the previous episode.]

Morgan still couldn't believe that part. But it got more shocking.

Then the woman told Morgan that she was gorgeous, causing Morgan to blush.

 

[Jjs: Oh great, now he's having Les Yay shippings. Guess he ran out of male x female shippings. Can't blame him since he basically paired everyone together one way or another.]

 

She gave Morgan her card. Then, the woman walked over to Naomi, and handed her the card too. Oh... it was on.

 

[Jjs: ...What?]
[Trophy: I read stories not as boring as this tons of times.]


Morgan was going to be competing with her best friend. Well, not competing. Maybe they could both be famous. Yeah. That'd be nice. Morgan picked the card up from off the top of her dresser --

Gina Morianno
Dazzle Records
Coralwood

 

[Jjs: Gina Morianno? I hope she doesn't turn into the next Bland Love Interest.]


(Theme plays)

Temperance had been cooled down lately. Very calm, actually. Just felt... mellow. She had been working extra hard in school lately, something that took her mind off Bryan. Right now, she was listening to her FishPod (song plays through entire scene).

 

[Jjs: FishPods? Haha, so original. But at least it wasn't an on land related thing.]

[Trophy: Ok I finally know this is underwater.]

 

She's listening to the song "Shake It" by Metro Station, bobbing her head up and down.

 

[Jjs: ...Never mind.]

 

Then, there's a knock on her bedroom door.

 

[Jjs: I hope it's Rusty.]
[Trophy: GET EM RUSTY!]


"Come in," Temperance said, though she regretted it when she saw who it was.

Her mother stepped in, and Temperance took her headphones out (though you can still hear the song playing as if she's still listening). "Hey," Brenda said.

 

[Jjs: Yay, parent drama.]
[Trophy: *with sarcasm* We haven't had enough of that.]


Temperance looked nothing like Brenda. Temperance had shiny, wavy black hair that didn't look very groomed, and dark chocolate brown eyes. Brenda had dirty blond hair tossed up in a ponytail, never a hair out of place, and bright blue eyes. Everyone would always tell Temperance how much she looked like her father, blah blah. She got tired of hearing it, but they were completely correct. Temperance's resemblance to her father was strange, like she was a female clone of him.

 

[Jjs: Yes, because resembling your parents is such a crime.]

"What do you want?" Temperance said coldly.

"I want to talk to you," Brenda said.

"About what?" Temperance said.


[Trophy: inb4 Temperance becomes a big brat and wins at the annual brat awards.]


"Stop with that bratty, sarcastic tone, Temperance," Brenda said.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, stop it young lady!]

"Oh!" Temperance said with a sarcastic enthusiasm.

"What?" Brenda said.

"Look who's finally decided that they're going to be a mother..." Temperance said coldly, brushing her mother off.

 

[Jjs: You'll be a mother soon too, depending whenever 70s has Jex happen on-screen in these episodes.]

"Hey!" Brenda said, getting angry. "I know that I won't be winning Mother of the Year--"

 

[Jjs: You'll win Worst Mother of the Year, that's for sure.]

 

"--Pfft," Temperance said. "That's for sure, Brenda."


[Trophy: And the award for biggest jerk to their parents goes to... TEMPERANCE!]


"First of all, you will call me 'Mom,' not 'Brenda.' You are my daughter, if you like it or not. And don't interrupt me, Temperance Lei Simmera."

 

[Jjs: Whoa, an Italian name. You're so cool.]

"Fine..." Temperance said. Her mother meant business. She used her full name.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, she used your full Italian name. That means business.]

"I decided... it's time I told you something," Brenda said.

 

[Jjs: Please don't be another love twist...please don't be another love twist.]

"Uh..." Temperance said, feeling awkward. "This isn't the sex talk, is it?"

 

[Jjs: It's Jex, damnit. He can't even stick with one running gag.]
[Trophy: Where's Rusty when you need him?]


"Oh, no. Oh... god no," Brenda said. "I trust you on the birds and the bees. You're a smart girl, Temperance."

 

[Jjs: Still hoping for no shitty love or parent related twist....]

"Thanks, Mom," Temperance said, smiling sheepishly.

 

[Jjs: Welp, looks like there's no shitty love/parent twis-]

"Aw... that's the sweet girl I know and love," Brenda said. "Anyways... I need to tell you, me and your father... we weren't exactly on good terms before his death."

 

[Jjs: Oh come the fuck on.]

This hit Temperance hard. "Um... why have you decided to tell me this now?"


[Trophy: IT'S BETTER NOW THAN LATER, COME ON!]


"Because I know you've been thinking about him a lot lately," Brenda said.

"Oh." Temperance decided that sounded reasonable. "So why weren't you on good terms?"

"Because..." Brenda hesitated.

"Mom, what is it?" Temperance said, her concern growing.

"Your father was having an affair, Temp."

 

[Jjs: Here's another character backstory that came out of nowhere, isn't helping the main plot in any way, and will probably never be brought up again. That about sums up these "twists" in a nutshell.]

"Excuse me?" Temperance said.

"He was cheating on me," Brenda said.

"For how long?" Temperance said, trying to keep her cool as best as she could. This was unbelievable. The man that she had looked up to... had been having an affair?

 

[Jjs: Does every parent couple in Bikini Top have to have some twist to them?]

[Trophy: To 70s they did.]

 

It was unbelievable. This was strange. Temperance felt like she was only getting a fragment of the story. But this wasn't the time to ask for more.

 

[Jjs: It feels like most of this show has been a fragment of a story.]

"A few years," Brenda said. "With... multiple women."

 

[Jjs: He's a playa.]
[Trophy: I wish I could go super saiyan and kill all the characters right now.]


Ouch. That one hurt even more. "Why did you include the 'with multiple women' part?"

"Because... he died of AIDS, honey. I may have HIV. I n-need to go get tested today."

 

[Jjs: There's Fish AIDS and HIV? Man, this show is feeling like less of a spin-off each episode.]

Temperance put her head in her hands. Oh my, god. This couldn't be happening....

 

[Jjs: I'm afraid it is, as much as I hate these shitty out of the left field twists.]

~~~

Naomi got out of bed, and stretched. Then she saw the card on her beside-table.

Gina Morianno
Dazzle Records
Coralwood


She saw Gina give the card to Morgan, too. Would they be competing for the album? That'd be fun.... Nah, it wouldn't be. Her mother was knocking on the door. Crap! Some of her... party favors... were on her dresser. She grabbed the lipstick tube, and stuffed it in a drawer under some of her shirts.

"Come in!" she said with as cheerful a tone she could muster.

Her mother, Veera, stepped into the room, looking like herself.

 

[Trophy: *trollface* I hate this spinoff so far.]

[Jjs: I swear, if Veera has some sort of twist to her life, I'm going to go ballistic.]

 

Wearing the expensive makeup that they couldn't afford, and Naomi would have to get a hundred commercials to pay it off. And then maybe land a guest appearance on a TV show or a small role in a movie to get the mortgage on the house paid. Getting that album would be so great... It would help so much.

Veera had blackish brown hair that was totally curly, and her eyes were robin's egg blue, like Naomi's.

 

[Jjs: First Vomit Green, and now another mention of Robin's Egg Blue. Man, Crayola is sure grasping the straws nowadays with these colors.]

 

She wore expensive jewelry. She got it when Naomi was on that sitcom.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, the one she somehow got on when she was only 8 years old. I guess she was so famous at a young age.]
[Trophy: Tall Jake from Malice, please take these characters away.]


"Hey," Veera said. "Just got a call from that mattress company. You didn't get the commercial?"

 

[Trophy: When do fish sleep on beds besides SpongeBob characters?]


"No Mom," Naomi said. "I'm sorry. I tried."

 

[Jjs: But did you try hard enough?]

"Oh. Sure you did. A perfect image of someone who tried stands before me. Look at you. You should've been up fifteen minutes ago. You're going to be late for school."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Naomi said, shocked by the time.

 

[Jjs: Get your own alarm clock, maybe?]
[Trophy: I need one as well.]


"I have better things to do then make sure you get up. You should be able to do that on your own."

Naomi hated when her mother made her feel like this. She made Naomi feel like crap. That's why Naomi did... what she did. Because she was under so much pressure from her b!tch of a mother.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, screw that b!tch!]

Veera left the room. Naomi got ready for school as fast as she could, skipping breakfast. She got in her boatmobile, and drove to Bikini Top High School.

 

[Jjs: There went her energy.]
[Trophy: MY DISAPPOINTMENT ENERGY IS OVER 9,000! Get my reference?]


~~~

First few classes... uneventful. So, time for lunch.

At the table sat... everyone... except Temperance, who didn't go to Bikini Top High School, she went to one on her reservation.

 

[Jjs: Er, redundant, much?]

 

Bryan, Jake, Trey, Anna, Morgan, Naomi, and Arianna all sat at the table. Arianna was glaring at Anna, and Anna was glaring right back. Trey noticed the friction, and he decided to stay out of it. It was none of his business. Well, it was, but he didn't feel like getting involved in it. At least, not at lunch. He would later.

 

[Jjs: I smell a cat fight coming soon. Just wait.]
[Trophy: I'd prefer actual cats fighting.]


"Oh baby," Arianna said, gently putting her gorgeous head on Trey's shoulder. "I had Geometry today, and damn it was hard."

 

[Jjs: Yeah, learning shapes and algebra for fish is pretty hard.]
[Trophy: Is it really?]


"You know what I hate?" Morgan said.

"What, Morg-y?" Arianna said.

"Okay, gag me..." Morgan said, symbolically putting her finger near her throat, making a vomiting noise.

 

[Jjs: Is it Vomit Green?]

"Burn!" Anna said, and gave Morgan a high-four (=P).

 

[Jjs: But...fish don't have fingers. Also, what's with the mysterious =P in parenthesis?]

 

"And, I hate people who just use the word damn to spice up their sentence.... It's so--"

 

[Trophy: Making me out of this spinoff for sure.]

[Jjs: Damn!]

"--Hot?" Arianna said.

"No." Morgan scowled. "It makes you seem like a--"


[Trophy: Big fat meanie?]


"--Uber-hot model?" Arianna said.


[Trophy: Not even close.]


"I was thinkin' a hoe-bot..." Anna said.

"Miss Catholic!" Jake said, giving snapping his fingers.

 

Anna blushed.

"And it makes you seem like a wannabe diva," Morgan said.

"Is every girl at this table jealous of me or something?" Arianna said, rolling his eyes. "Do you want my boyfriend too, or something, now that you're on the rebound and everything?"

 

[Jjs: You know you're failing when a Disney Channel sitcom could have acted out that scene better than you bunch just did.]

 

Oh god, did Morgan hate that girl. They'd been in third grade together, though Miss Shallow didn't know that. The whole time, she was, well... pretty much the same. Dumb. Inappropriate. Self-absorbed. Same old, same old.

 

[Jjs: Ah, the smell of high school drama.]
[Trophy: Smells like horrid and other words that mean bad that begin with h.]


Morgan was about to slap her, but Jake gave her a warning look. A little telepathic glance that said 'Don't go there' without actually saying it. They'd used it on each other... a lot. They called it... the No-No Look. "No. I've known Trey for... a long time. We're buds. That's all, right Trey?"

"Yep, Mor," Trey said.

Arianna glared at her boyfriend. "Whatever," she said, and she grabbed her tray and took it up.

"She sure is pleasant..." Bryan said.

"Yeah..." Naomi said awkwardly.

~~~

Naomi was standing at her locker, putting in her combination, when she heard whispering.

"Oh my, god! Did you see Naomi Duncan?" a voice said from behind her.

 

[Jjs: Wait, Naomi's last name was Duncan? I seriously thought that Duncan in Episode 7 was an entire one-off character, considering her last name was never mentioned beforehand. I love the vagueness this show has.]

"YES!" another voice said.

"What, Miss Druggie?" the third said.


"Hmm... I'm thinking cocaine," said the second.


[Jjs: Ha. High Schoolers doing drugs. That's totally not an overused stereotype.]

[Trophy: WHEN DID FISH HAVE DRUGS!??!]

[Jjs: Only on...Bikini Top.]


"Yep," the third said.

The bell rang.


Naomi didn't go to class, she went to the bathroom, her lipstick container in her hands. She cried her eyes out. She didn't want to do this, but she used... what was in the lipstick tube.

~~~

"You're back!" Tristan said, trying to sound as cheerful as he could. His girlfriend walked into the door, back with the results from her test.

 

[Jjs: Hey, the Mr. Krabs-esque boyfriend is back!]
[Trophy: MONEY MONEY MONEY etc]


"Don't act so cheerful," Brenda said.

"Crap..." Tristan said. "Why is that?"

"Because I'm HIV... negative!" Brenda squeaked with joy.

"That's great, honey!" Tristan said.

 

[Jjs: No, that's really bad, because I was hoping for no Jex between you two.]

Brenda pulled Tristan into a hug.

"Just one question..." Tristan said.

"What's the question?"

Tristan went down on one knee. He grabbed a small black box. He opened it. Inside was a beautiful diamond... engagement ring. "Brenda Simmera... will you marry me?"

 

[Jjs: Oh great, now we've got another Shitty Romantic Plot upcoming. Mr. Trophy, thanks for riffing. Hopefully I can survive whatever cheesy love plot is planned next. 8 down, 12 to go.]

[Trophy: It's been nice and bad at the same time yo get what I'm sayin dawg this is the best spinoff ever--- yeah it's the worst. Still been nice doing this.]

 

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Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda 

 

S1E9 (9) - Turn of Events:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Morgan remembers that she was offered a record deal at Naomi's party... and so was Naomi. Both of them wonder if they'll be competing for it. Then, after an intense, angry conversation with her mother, Brenda, Brenda lets Temperance know that her father had been cheating on her, and that he had died of AIDS. So, Brenda has to get tested for HIV today while Temperance is at school. We get a peek at Naomi's life at home, and she gets a knock at the door, and hides her lipstick tube of 'party favors' from her mother. Then, her mother gives her a hard time about not getting a mattress commercial. Later at school, it's Arianna vs. ... Everyone but Trey. Trey is pretty neutral as everyone verbally abuses Arianna. Then, at her locker, Naomi hears people calling her 'Miss Druggie' and she grabs her lipstick tube full of something that's... not lipstick, and runs to the bathroom. And finally, Brenda comes home to tell her boyfriend, Tristan that she is HIV... Negative! Tristan then gets down on one knee and proposes to her. So, needless to say, a lot happened....


Gross. Bryan was driving to school in his nasty vomit-green boatmobile.

 

[Jjs: How many fucking times is that going to be brought up? The Vomit Green crayon is not selling well with Crayola, you know.]

 

It was seriously time to repaint this thing. Maybe... red. Or... blue. Or... orange. Or... black. Black sounded good. A shiny black.

 

[Jjs: How about...Vomit Black?]

 

It was the end of November... he wanted a nice car. And a girlfriend. Yeah. A girlfriend would be nice. A hot one. Man, was he jealous of Trey. Arianna was really hot. Like, reaaaaaaaaally hot. But, she was also a total b!tch, so... he didn't really want her. And he liked Morgan, but... she was secretly with Jake. And Anna was cute, but she was head over heels crushing on Trey. He liked Temperance, but dating her would just be weird, they'd known each other for years. Though she was admittedly drop-dead gorgeous. His other dating option in the group was... Naomi. She was hot, check. She seemed nice, check. She was single, check?

 

[Jjs: Solution: Have an orgy.]

(Theme plays)

Ugh. History. History, AKA... A Class About A Bunch Of Dead Guys That You Will Never Actually Need To Know About In The Real World.

 

[Jjs: HAHA, SEE IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS HISTORY IS, OH THESE GENERALIZATIONS ARE SO FUNNY MY GUTS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.]

 

Jake was unbelievably bored. But, he was staring at Morgan, so it was okay. Morgan looked back at him, and flashed him a grin. He loved the way their relationship was right now. It was so simple. No worries, about anything.

 

[Jjs: Jake isn't the only one bored, since we already know drama is gonna happen again. Lesson #1 to Spin-Offs/Lits: Don't have a Love Triangle all over the place like this show.]

~~~

Bryan is at his locker. Naomi walks by. Time to ask her the question.


"Hey," he said.

"Um... hey," she said, sounding a little frail.

"So, I was wondering..." he said. "Are you... single?"

Naomi grabbed him in a tight embrace and kissed him.

"Does that answer your question?" she winked.

 

[Jjs: No, because I wanted you all to have an orgy, not a forced in last-minute pick to "conclude" this sappy Love Triangle.]

Bryan was left standing there in the hall.

~~~

Anna was sick of this. It was time to take on Arianna.

 

[Jjs: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!]

 

Earlier that day, Arianna tripped her in the hall, causing her to fall flat on her face, her textbooks scattered all over the hall.

 

[Jjs: Oh boo fucking hoo.]

 

A cute guy named Keith picked up her books and gave them back to her, but that's totally besides the point. It was time to take her, head-on, and ask her what her problem was.

 

[Jjs: Keith? Oh great, welcome Bland Love Interest #7.]

"Look, it's Miss Never-Worn-A-Bra." Arianna clapped.

 

[Jjs: And how would you know?]

One of Arianna's friends, Tori, clapped. "Burn..." she said.

"Totally," another girl, Jennie, said.

 

[Jjs: Two new characters. Two more fillers to the show. And two more fucks I don't give.]

"Shut up, Arianna," Anna said.

"Oh... this kitty's got claws!" Arianna said. "But, like I said... too bad you don't wear a bra... but... why would you need to?"

Anna pulled up her shirt, revealing her red bra. "Take... that," she said.

 

[Jjs: Is it wrong I find this sort of kinky?]

Arianna opened her mouth. "Well, you could never do anything more, you--"

"Oh, what am I?" Anna said, challenging Arianna as she put her shirt back down.

"You're a Bible-thumping, two-faced virgin!" Arianna said.

 

[Jjs: Do they even a Bible in the ocean?]

"Diss!" Tori said.

"Take that, slut!" Jennie said.

"How can she be a slut? Arianna just called her a Bible-thumping, two-faced virgin..." Tori said.

 

[Jjs: Need some ice for that burn?]

"Are you standing up for her?" Jennie said.

"Both of you, shut up," Arianna said.

"Wow, nice friends..." Anna mocked Arianna.

"Shut the hell up!" Arianna said. "You've been after my boyfriend from Day 1."

Anna glared at Arianna.

"What are you going to do, religion-freak?" Arianna said mockingly. "You going to say a prayer?"

 

[Jjs: I pray that this melodramatic fight ends soon.]

"Actually..." Anna said, "yeah, I am. I'll say a prayer for you."

"Oh, how sweet!" Arianna said.

"God... help Arianna..."

Arianna smirked.

"... because she's a B!TCH!"

 

[Jjs: Ooh, ahh!]

Arianna lunged at Anna. Anna pulled Arianna's hair. Arianna bit Anna.

"OUCH!" Anna said. "You b!tch!"

"Had enough?" Arianna said, taunting Anna.

Suddenly, the school guidance counselor, Mr. York, tapped Arianna's shoulder. "You two. My office. Now."

 

[Jjs: Mr. York? Here's another filler character.]

~~~

After school that day, Bryan and Naomi were hanging out at Bryan's house. They were on his bed, kissing.

 

[Jjs: Finally, we're nearing some Jex.]

Then, Naomi asked Bryan a question. "Hey, why has Jake been acting so weird lately? Don't worry, Morgan already told me they're back together." He continued to tell Naomi the whole story.

"Oh, he cheated on Morgan. Slept with a sophomore... Jackie, I think."

Naomi left the room, going to tell her best friend.

 

[Jjs: And here comes another Shitty Romantic Drama Plot.]

~~~

Naomi knocked on Morgan's front door. Morgan let her inside. The two of them exchanged greetings and head upstairs to Morgan's room.

"Mor, I really need to tell you something," Naomi said.

"What is it?" Morgan said, her face shining with concern. Naomi had been acting weird lately. Was she about to tell Morgan why?

"Jake cheated on you. That's why he wants to keep you guys secret. So the girl he cheated with doesn't find out."

Morgan fell down on her bed and cried.

 

[Jjs: And...scene. You know the old saying, Morgan: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.]

~~~

Anna would be going to school today, but she was suspended. For two weeks. But it's okay, because Arianna was suspended for a month. Ha! Anna laid down on her bed, ready to sleep in.

 

[Jjs: Wait, so Anna gets a two week suspension even though she really didn't do anything, and it was in self defense? And Arianna got a month suspension? Actually, it wasn't even a fight. It was just a verbal argument that didn't really go anywhere outside of a bit of hair pulling and biting. So I call bull on the suspensions.]

 

~~~

"Okay, Brenda," Tristan said. "I've given you a week to think about this. Are you going to marry me or not?"

 

[Jjs: It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do...]

"Tristan..." Brenda said.

"What?" Tristan said.

"You don't want to marry me."

"Brenda Simmera, I love you with all my heart," Tristan said. "Of course I want to marry you. You're sweet, and you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"No," Brenda said. "We can't get married."

"Why?"

"I... I can't tell you."

 

[Jjs: I bet it's because she's HIV Negative...just like my opinion on this show.]

"Fine," Tristan said. "Goodbye. For good."

He left, and slammed the door.

 

[Jjs: Does every couple in this show have to have some over the top drama?]

~~~

Gordan was after a man who was suspected to be a drug-dealer. He was at the bottom of an abyss in Bikini Top. This guy needed to be caught. Immediately. Gordan used some of his equipment to get to the bottom, and saw the man. The man was Hersht Gables. He was bald, like most fish, and he had black pupils. His eyes were as bloodshot as can be, and he was holding a gun.

 

[Jjs: Bad boys, what'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do, when they come for you?]

"Back away, cop..." Hersht said.

Behind Hersht was a pile of drugs.

"No..." Gordan said. "I can't let you sell drugs."

Hersht fired the gun. It hit Gordan, and he fell down to the ground.

 

[Jjs: Oh no, Bryan's father died! Too bad I'm struggling to give a shit. I mean what build-up did he have prior at all? Zero. All we got out of him was that "Everyone loved Bryan because his dad was the Chief of Police" and he and Zoe got divorced for no given reason.]

~~~

Bryan calls everyone, except Temperance. He didn't think they were friends anymore. He wished they were, but... she wouldn't return any of his calls. Time to paint the vomit-mobile.

 

[Jjs: God, enough of the boatmobile insults already, seriously. What did the boatmobile (aka car) do to hurt your feelings?]

 

He had tons of sleek black paint, he just wanted his friends to be there. Calls were out. Time to paint.

 

[Jjs: It still needs to be Vomit Black.]

Everyone arrived later.

"Hey," Trey said. He was the last to arrive.

"Hi," Bryan said. "Arianna's not coming?"

"Nope," Trey said. "She said she wasn't coming if Anna was."

Anna smiled.

Trey turned to Anna. "Do you know how much easier my life would be if you two would get along?"

 

[Jjs: Do you know how much easier my life would be if this jumbled Love Triangle started making sense?]

"Do you know how much easier my life would be if that girl just dropped dead right now?"

 

[Jjs: Ha, death threats. Stay in school, kids!]

Trey laughed.

They painted for two hours, then they took a break. It was time to confront her cheater of a boyfriend.

"So..." she said. "How's Jackie?"

"How did you find out about her?" Jake said.

 

[Jjs: The Monotone Drama: Coming to theaters this summer.]

 

"Tell me. Everything. Then maybe I'll tell you who told me."

"It was before we broke up... on the beach," Jake said. "Me and her just hooked up. We haven't been in contact since then."

 

[Jjs: Great backstory.]

"Eventually she's going to come looking for the guy who stole her virginity..." Morgan said.

 

"I guess so..." he said.

"Jake, what happened to you?" Morgan said. "You're suddenly so obssessed with sex. And you're just... an ass."

 

[Jjs: I thought you nicknamed it Jex, seriously, did this show forget its own running gags?]

"Mor, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," Morgan said. She slapped Jake, got in her boatmobile, and drove home.

 

[Jjs: Bitch Slap: The only semi-amusing part of this Monotone Drama.]

Jake didn't know what happened. But... he decided it was for the best he told everyone that he and Morgan had been back together. And... tell them everything else.

 

[Jjs: Slapping you across the face means you are back together? Awesome!]

"Knew it..." Trey said.

"Uh-huh," Anna agreed.

They got back to work, and soon the boatmobile was a great shade of black. Goodbye, vomit-mobile.

 

[Jjs: And hello Vomit Black! Crayola, start the factories up.]

Everyone but Naomi leaves.

"Do you, um... want to take it for a test drive?" Bryan asked her.

She nodded.

They got in the boatmobile, and took a drive. After twenty minutes, Bryan pulled over.

"Naomi, I know you're doing drugs."

 

[Jjs: FISH DRUGS]

"I'm... not," she said.

"Then what's this?" Bryan held up her tube of lipstick. "You left it in my room when you rushed to tell Morgan about Jake's secret. I opened it, because I was curious. Guess what was in it? Not lipstick, Naomi! It was full of cocaine! To the top!"

 

[Jjs: *cue "busted" and "oooohs" from the annoying laugh track*]

"I... I.... Bryan, don't tell anyone," Naomi said.

"Okay..." he said. "But I think it's best that we break up."

 

[Jjs: Wow, not even a fucking episode, and they already break-up. This show has such wonderful pacing.]

"Oh..." Naomi said. "O...kay. Could you give me back my tube?"

"No..." Bryan said. "I can't. I know it probably won't help. But I'm not going to give it to you."

Naomi grabbed for it, but Bryan pulled back.

Naomi got out of his car, and Bryan drove away. Then, she found the car she was looking for. An old, beat-up car. She got in, and got a new tube of lipstick. With a tear in her eye, she smiled devilishly as she took the lipstick container, opened it, and used what was inside of it eagerly.

 

[Jjs: Her next love interest is the boatmobile, I bet.]

~~~

Bryan was on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Suddenly, his phone rang. He didn't recognize the caller ID.

"Hello?" he said.

"Is this Bryan Errin?" a woman on the other line said.

"Yes, it is..." he said.

"This is Bikini Top Hospital..."

 

[Jjs: And this is one cliffhanger I'm cringing to see resolved.]

 

 

 

S1E10 (10) - Auditions:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... If you missed the last episode of Bikini Top, you missed a lot... or more.... When looking for a girlfriend, Bryan turns his mind to the gorgeous Naomi, only to discover that life with her is much less than perfect when he look s inside her infamous tube of lipstick and spots her cocaine. He keeps it secret, but does not return the lipstick. The two break up. But before they do, Bryan tells Naomi about Jake's dirty little secret, and Naomi tells... Morgan. At school, Anna stirs up a bit of trouble with Arianna. To say the least, Anna is suspended from school for two weeks. And Arianna is also suspended... for a month. Ouch. And after Tristan's proposal to Brenda, she says she needs time to think. And after a while, like anyone normal would, Tristan wants an answer. And Brenda says she can't get married. But it's obvious she's hiding something. Tristan leaves her. For good... allegedly. Bryan's father Gordan is after a drug-dealer named Hersht. He travels to the bottom of an abyss, only to be shot by the suspect. When Bryan plans to paint his boatmobile black, everyone comes, except Temperance and Arianna. Temperance won't return his calls, and Arianna doesn't want to be around Anna. During the painting, Morgan confronts Jake about his lover, Jackie. She leaves, but not before slapping Jake. After that, Jake tells everyone about their secret relationship, and about him sleeping with Jackie. And in the phenomenal end of the episode, Naomi gets some more intense lipstick, and Bryan gets a call from the Bikini Top Hospital. What's going to happen next? You'll find out soon enough....

 

[Jjs: Ello all again, and say hello to another guest commentator for the umpteenth time: Metal Snake! How ya doin, Metal?]

[Metal Snake: Good, thanks for giving me the honors! You've helped me realize that I have a great debt to repay SBC for my previous lack of vision...so let’s begin!]

 

Naomi had a terrible headache. She went downstairs to get a little bit of Tylenol.

 

[Jjs: Underwater Tylenol...probably doesn't taste good.]

 

Then she saw her Veera, who was sitting at the table, having a bowl of cereal.

"Happy Friday," Veera said.

"Um... happy Friday..." Naomi said.

 

[Metal Snake: Congratulations Rebecca Black, you have been cleared of the charge of ruining Fridays for everyone.]

 

She didn't know why it was a happy Friday, but usually when her mother was happy, she had set up an audition for a commercial or a movie or something.

 

[Metal Snake: Kids, TAKE-A-LOOK-AT-THIS. Your mother’s on TV! Oh my God! Perhaps she had to...try out for a role in a TV show or something.]

[Jjs: She's probably auditioning for the "I Really Wish I Wasn't Here Right Now" PSA.]

"So... they're having auditions for a new sitcom!" Veera said.

 

[Metal Snake: On Disney Channel, I presume.]

[Jjs: Hopefully it's funnier than this.]
 

"I have an appointment set up for you after school."

Of course.... "Great!" Naomi said with fake enthusiasm.

Veera left the room, and after eating a quick granola bar, Naomi scarfs down seven pills.

 

[Metal Snake: Of what? Acid?]

[Jjs: Seven pills? I didn't know you could have that many Tylenol, unless she's trying to get addicted to those too, because hey, why not.]

(Theme plays)

Morgan feels hurt... and betrayed... and alone. She doesn't even want to see Jake. He's such a bastard. What he did was... unforgivable. Oh... time for school. Who cares? She goes back to bed, then her conscience gets to her. She groans and stands up, getting ready for school.

 

[Jjs: This is why Jex is a bad thing.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, you’re an emotion salad.]

 

~~~

Bryan woke up. He stretched his arms. He fell asleep on the couch in the waiting room of the hospital. Then the doctor came out, saying she had news for him. Bryan braced himself... he was sure it couldn't be good news. Before she told him, Bryan flashed back to the night before.

 

[Metal Snake: He flashed back because he was worried she was going to announce that he was HIV...positive!]

[Jjs: And to put suspense before the reveal, here's a shitty flashback.]

After getting a call from the hospital, Bryan rushed to the hospital. When he got there, they let him see his father, who was unconscious, and not in good health at the time. For a little bit he woke up, and smiled when he saw Bryan there.

 

[Jjs: Wait...if he was allegedly fatally shot by the gun, and his body was left in the abyss for some time, how would that make him unconscious? He'd most likely be dead by now, not unconscious! You know, I smell a lot of plot holes lately, so I think I'm going to introduce a new running gag: PLOT HOLE POLICE! That right there was our first plot hole. Let's see how many more plot holes the Plot Hole Police can spot in this episode, and I'll keep count.]

He struggled to speak. "Hey, son."

Bryan blinked back a tear. "Hey, Dad."

"They don't think I'm gonna make it, bud..." Gordan said.

"Dad..." Bryan said, his voice cracking. God, he hated crying, but when your father is pretty much dead, it doesn't really matter much, does it?

 

[Metal Snake: Pretty much dead? You’re sarcastic about a level of dead in a death scene? What is this, Monty Python? “I’m actually only mostly dead son...but go on and mourn! It helps me feel better knowing that you care!”]

 

"Bryan..." Gordan said.

Then, he went back into unconsciousness, and Bryan went to the waiting room.

 

[Jjs: And of course, Gordan actually didn't seem like a completely awful character for once, but he gets killed off with no build-up or much of a backstory/characterization.]

"Your father... has passed on," the doctor said. "He was getting a little better, but there was some internal bleeding, and he lost too much blood."

 

[Metal Snake: Seeing you made him comfortable with the idea of dying. So yeah, nice job kid.]

[Jjs: RIP Gordan. But I do wish I had a father that was Chief of Police, I mean obviously that'd make me the king of my high school!]

Bryan put his head between his hands, remembering his father. Then he realized he didn't have many memories of him. And that's when he started crying.

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE (2)! Not many memories? Uh, he at least was with Bryan for a quite a few years before he divorced Zoe, and he was with him in Bikini Top for a good month. Unless Bryan really didn't care at all about him.]

[Metal Snake: I thought you’d have many memories of him, seeing as him being the Chief of Police made you the so-called king of high school.]


~~~

The police were on the move, after Hersht, the guy who killed the Chief of Police. He was wanted, dead or alive.... Little did they know, they had already passed him.

 

[Jjs: Great, and here's our culprit that will probably get no backstory whatsoever. I'd bet 1,000 doubloons he somehow gets stuck in this messy Love Triangle, too. Wouldn't surprise me with where this show is going.]

[Metal Snake: Because he was at the last place they’d think to look, in a donut shop having a bite to eat with the vice Chief of Police, Chief Wiggum.]

 

~~~

Stealth. That was Hersht's greatest gift. Stealth.

 

[Jjs: He's a ninja fish!]

 

The police had passed him, in his abyss, but he was good at hiding.

 

[Metal Snake: Unless abyss is the newest term for a dark alleyway, I’m going to assume that he has the ability to hide in bottomless pits.]

 

Then, when they left, he was packing, getting ready to hunt. Then after he was done hunting, he would go and find a new place to sell his merchandise. Suddenly, a sea monster came towards him. It sent a message to his head.

 

[Jjs: A sea monster? What kind of sea monster? Is it big? Small? Medium? Blue? Red? Yellow? Green? Orange? Friendly? Mean? Female? Male? Genderless? DETAILS, MAN!]

[Metal Snake: He’s using telepathy even though he’s right in front of his face? How rude. What, are they not on speaking terms?]

 

"Where do ya think you're goin'?" it said in Hersht's mind.

 

[Jjs: He's probably going to a quiet room to understand what just happened, like I am.]

"I'm leaving..." Hersht said.

"Eh, eh, eh..." it said. "Not if I got anythin' to do with it."

The thing was at least fifteen feet tall, and it started charging towards Hersht. Hersht quickly got out of the way, jumped up, and killed the monster. Then, he jumped out of the abyss. He clapped his hands together. Just another day's work....

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE (3)! A sea monster with literally NO backstory attacks Hersht for no given reason or motivation that I know of, and gets killed within less than a few seconds. Mind me asking WHAT Hersht killed the monster with? His bare fins/hands? A knife? A gun? His mind? Hot damn, this show is riddled with plot holes at every corner!]

[Metal Snake: He made the monster trip over his shoelaces and fall to his death in the bottomless hole. It’s what he does in his free time, apparently.]


~~~

There was a certain issue with his father's death.

 

[Metal Snake: *Nicolas Cage face* You don’t say.]

 

Where would Bryan be going? Where would he be staying? He didn't want to go travel across the sea with Zoey and Zack... he wanted to stay in Bikini Top.

 

[Jjs: Does he not have any grandparents, uncles, aunts, or cousins?]

 

But his father was the only relative he had there. But despite all the hurt, he drove to school.

 

[Jjs: In his new Vomit Black boatmobile, no less.]

[Metal Snake: Every problem has a solution, but I didn’t know the answer lied in two in-cohesive statements beginning with “but”.]

 

Then in homeroom, Jake sensed what was wrong.

 

"Where are you gonna go, now that your father has... passed?" he said. "I mean... who are you gonna stay with?"

 

[Metal Snake: Oh, so he doesn’t have a good sense of the emotions of others, he just likes to keep up to date on things.]

"I really don't know," Bryan sighed.

"I'm saying this because..." Jake said. "Well... you're welcome to come stay with me. My parents... they wouldn't mind. And we have a spare bedroom."

"That's nice," said Bryan. "So unlike you."

 

[Jjs: Why do I have a feeling this is leading to what I think it's leading to? Well, I suppose a Ho Yay shipping wouldn't surprise me at this point, 70s is pretty much running out of characters to ship together.]

[Metal Snake: That’s right, bite the hand that’s offering to feed you.]

 

~~~

At school that day, Naomi saw something interesting.

ATTENTION
ACTORS & ACTRESSES OF BIKINI TOP HIGH
PRODUCTION OF SPRING AWAKENING COMING
AUDITIONS TODAY
REQUIREMENTS: ACTING SKILL & SINGING ABILITY

 

[Jjs: What time are auditions? Man, that's one vague as hell poster. How will anyone show up to the auditions if there is no time given? Whoever made it deserves to be fired immediately! Also, how the hell does a real life play (and a REALLY pornographic one I might add) get performed underwater?]

Naomi didn't feel like going to another audition for a commercial that she wouldn't get. She was going to be in Spring Awakening. She could sing. She could act. Perfect.

 

[Jjs: Go out there and be...a star!]

[Metal Snake: Is that what Hannah Montana thought to herself before her career began?]


~~~

After school that day, Jake took Bryan to his house. That's when Bryan saw Jake's parents for the first time. His mother was plump with short brown hair. His father, slim and tall with black hair and a few gray streaks. Both of them wore great, expensive clothes.

 

[Jjs: Sadly, they'll probably have a shitty twist too.]

 

That's when Bryan remembered. Bikini Top was a small town... but most residents were unbelievably rich.

 

[Jjs: Ah yes, the "small town" of 2,000 people.]

[Metal Snake: It’s a small town because all the poor people left. Worried that the rich were starting to “overpopulate” if you know what I mean.]

 

"Hi, Jake!" his mother said. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Bryan..." Jake said with a smile.

Jake's mother stood up. "Hi, I'm Tori. Jake has told us so much about you."

Then Jake told his parents everything.

 

[Metal Snake: Aw shit, I forgot to tell them EVERYTHING about him. That includes what he did this morning, dang it!]

Jake's father Larry cleared his throat. "I suppose Bryan could stay here. If he wants, of course."

"I- I want, sir," Bryan said.

 

[Metal Snake: The world and everything in it! Mwa ha ha ha ha!]

"Call me Larry," said Larry.

 

[Jjs: Larry the Lobster, is that you?]

~~~

At the police station, they were naming the new Chief of Police. And it was Henry Riviera, a bald man with an everlasting intense look on his face. The only thing he said was, "Under my watch, we'll find that bastard who killed Chief Errin."

 

[Jjs: Hello, character with no backstory #4!]

[Metal Snake: I wonder how he gets along with his friends. “Yo man, want me to get you a drink?” *gritting teeth together in response* “YES, I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH."]

 

~~~

Anna was taking a drive. Then when she was exiting the town of Bikini Top and going into Coralwood, she saw a sign.

Now Leaving... Bikini Top
The Town of Song

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE (4)!: And when was this name ever brought up beforehand?]

[Metal Snake: The Town of Sing-a-Long songs!]

That's what made her remember. The day at Zinka's Party Emporium. She loved to sing. And ever since she was suspended she had a lot of free time. So she was going to practice singing.

 

[Metal Snake: As the readers practice increasing their reading tolerance.]

 

~~~

Naomi stepped into the auditorium. There stood the director of the play, Miss Walsh. She directed most of the school plays. She was stunningly beautiful.

"Hello, I'm Naomi Duncan..." Naomi said.

"Yeah, I know who you are," Miss Walsh said kindly.

 

[Metal Snake: You’re the one who keeps ordering pizza deliveries for me at three in the morning. I’m touched that you like to go out of your way so that I can have a late-night snack.]


"I'll be singing Mama Who Bore Me." She sang the song, and when she was done, Miss Walsh clapped. "How did I do?" Naomi asked.

 

[Jjs: Man, I still love how real world songs are somehow played in the ocean.]

 

"Let's just say you're the female lead," Miss Walsh said.

 

[Metal Snake: All those flat notes made it sound more original!]

Then Morgan came to audition. She also sang Mama Who Bore Me. "And now I have a tough choice!" Miss Walsh said. "Sorry Naomi, but this is going to take some more thinking. I'll contact you girls when I make the decision."

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE (5): Why and how did Morgan choose the same song as Naomi?]

[Metal Snake: I’m fickle! I can’t decide whether I prefer originality or unoriginality!]

Then Naomi did something that she would come to regret. She glared at her best friend in the entire sea resentfully.

 

[Jjs: And so, the 5,000th drama plot begins!]

[Metal Snake: You better remember this look on my face because I certainly will.]

~~~

Anna was sitting in her room, practicing her singing. She sang "Beat Control" by Tilly and the Wall. She jumped up and down when she finished. It was great!

 

[Jjs: I'm not even going to bother.]

[Metal Snake: Motherfucka, I’m awesome. I don’t just sing flats, I also lip sync!]

 

~~~

Temperance got home from another dull day at school. Her mother was home... and Tristan was there too. Just yesterday Brenda was in tears because Tristan left and said he would never be back, because Brenda wouldn't marry him. Temperance had the feeling that there was a reason that her mother wouldn't marry the man that she was madly in love with... and she was about to learn it.

 

[Jjs: He was probably too much of a greedy asshole like Mr. Krabs.]

[Metal Snake: Well no shit there was a reason, unless the script forgot to give her one up until now.]

 

"I came for my ring," Tristan said, looking deeply hurt as he said it. That's when Temperance realized it... this guy wasn't so bad. And she used to think he wasn't attractive... but, she was wrong... to say the least. And he was nice. And funny. Why wouldn't her mother marry the guy?
 

[Metal Snake: She knows that this story needs more drama.]

 

"Um... before I give it to you... I need to tell you something. And now that Temperance is here, I'll say... since she has the right to know, as well." Brenda blinked back tears.

"Okay," Tristan said. "Shoot...."

"I can't have children."

"Oh." That bomb didn't have a very positive effect on Tristan. He was pretty taken aback.

 

[Metal Snake: YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON ME! And it wasn’t a very enjoyable experience. I much prefer lamp oil and rope.]

 

"When I went to get tested for HIV, the doctor told me. But... he told me I had become infertile for whatever reason. He said it may be early menopause. Great, huh? Anyways... when he first told me I was like, 'Whatever... no big deal... I don't want kids.'

 

[Metal Snake: They won’t listen to me when I tell them to stay off of my lawn!]

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE (6)! NOW they bring this up? Why did Brenda not seemed so concerned over it in Episode 8, and seemed really happy over that HIV Negative? Also, I don't think you just randomly become infertile by "whatever reason". Either they all had memory losses, or I smell we're being speckledorfed with impostors!]

 

But lately, especially when you proposed to me.... Damn it Tristan, I want to have a child with you. And... maybe I didn't want to marry you because my previous husband was unfaithful... but I do. I do want to marry you. If you're okay with me not being able to give you a baby."

Tristan took a minute, then he took the ring and walked out the door.

 

[Metal Snake: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.... *stands there drooling for a minute* Nnnnnnnnn- *walks out the door*]

 

Brenda started crying.

"Oh Mom, I'm so sorry!" Temperance said when he left. She gave her mother a hug.

Then Tristan came back in, put the ring right on Brenda's finger, and pulled her into a passionate kiss. When it was over, Brenda said, "I want to adopt."

 

[Jjs: Oh, okay. Pretend my plot hole mentioned above doesn't exist, that's fine.]

[Metal Snake: *comes back in* Nnnnnn-Okay.]


~~~

Naomi got back from school that day, to see Veera sitting on the couch. She'd been waiting for her.

"So... you didn't go to the audition for the show today..." she said.

"Yeah... sorry," Naomi said.

"Whatever..." Veera said. "You need to try harder."

 

[Metal Snake: You’re my meal ticket, girl!]

 

"I think I have the lead in the school play," Naomi said.

"You didn't go to an audition for a SITCOM for an audition for THE SCHOOL PLAY and you don't EVEN KNOW IF YOU HAVE THE PART?" Veera said.

 

[Jjs: Holy run-on sentence, Batman!]

[Metal Snake: I CREATED YOU! I COMMAND YOU!]

 

"Yep," said Naomi, and she pounced up to her bedroom, sporting a full tube of her lipstick.

 

[Metal Snake: With a gun concealed in it!]


~~~

("No Air" by Jordin Sparks plays during the montage.)

 

[Jjs: Hey, Jordin Sparks is still doing an underwater career it seems.]

 

Naomi gets a text from Morgan: "Dropping out of Spring Awakening. Congrats, Miss Female Lead."

 

[Metal Snake: I just realized that I’m going to be busy cleaning all this toilet paper off my house.]

 

Temperance laying on her bed, feeling lonely, and staring at a certain contact on her cell phone: "BRYAN"

Bryan unpacks his things into his new bedroom at Jake's house, then stares at a portrait of Gordan... and looks at the text he got from him when he, Jake, and Trey were at the strip club.

 

[Jjs: And why is this message so sentimental?]

[Metal Snake: So...this is studying for your exams, young man?]

 

Brenda stares at her new engagement ring, and Tristan comes in... moving into her house.

Hersht jumps down into a new abyss and sends out a text to all his regular customers.

 

[Jjs: Whoa, he gets a great cell phone reception down in the abyss!]

[Metal Snake: Party at bttmlss whole. Pls bring $ because druxx arent free an I’m not paying for your drinxx. Thanks. :) ]


Morgan kisses a random guy.

 

[Jjs: Oh jeez, you know what I'm going to say.]

[Metal Snake: SCHIZOPHRENIA ALERT!]

Arianna lays on her bed, bored to death.

 

[Jjs: Can't blame her, I am too, but from this episode.]

Naomi sneaks out of her house to go to her dealer's new location.

 

[Metal Snake: In a place where no one would think to look...outside a grocery store with Chief Wiggum!]

 

Anna practices singing.

 

[Metal Snake: With Scootaloo! Seriously, what new information did this statement yield?]

 

Jake knocks on Morgan's door, and she opens it, sees him, and slams the door in his face.

Jake gets home, and he and Bryan watch TV.

 

[Metal Snake: Who needs her when I can sit around and watch Netflix with my bro?]

[Jjs: Gee, that montage sure crammed in everyone it possibly could! Will it be relevant? Probably not. That was pretty shitty. The Plot Hole Police counted 6 plot holes, this show will get at least 6 months in prison for this. Thank you Metal Snake for aiding me, also. Will the Plot Hole Police have more crooks to crack in the next episode? Stay tuned!]

[Metal Snake: *sigh* This episode is only slightly better than the first nine, but this entire spin-off makes you wonder...what was 70s thinking? I regret writing a laudatory review for this show way back in the days of the SBC Spin-off Club. Back then, I didn’t even have the balls to pluck a single food glob out of this pile of puke, and now...it’s really started to smell. You're welcome jjs, and sorry to SBC for how long you had to sit through this show. Farewell for now!]

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